Evolution::: Still

Evolution::: Still...

I can hardly believe that after all this time, literally years, I still experience the range and power of emotions that I do.  That I still cry.  Not just a quick tear... But the whole stupid, bottom lip out, face contorting, heavy sob.  I sit here and cry.

I am experiencing the loss, again.  I don't know why... I knew it was coming.  We have done this 100 times before. 

This time it's even more complex it seems.  I would like to think that our interactions have simply layered and built more hope, enthusiasm, positivity and admiration for life for both of us.  In fact, it has...  But not for everyone it seems.

I am sad that this was another set back.  Hopefully, not of any great magnitude for you. 

The inability to talk to you is just so morose.  It's so dark and flat and ugly.  I assume it is because every time I hear your voice it sounds like the rainbow.  I know that makes sense to you. 

I think that this is the way it needs to be, so I'm trying my best to keep quiet.  I am tired of being a constant source of pain and disappointment.  So now I just talk to Nopey, the Grumpy cat.  I talk to her and say all the things I want to say to you.  She just sits there and says nope.

I don't know if there is even a point to this... Maybe it is what I always try to do; move on with out you to talk to and be my friend. 

But Still... Love Defines.   

Evolution ::: Fear

Evolution ::: Fear

So here we are.  Some quiet time - just me and my mind.  I have not written anything in a while.  I have been busy.  Life is pretty good.

However -In the last day or two, a huge surge of emotion has washed over me.  I am certain is was prompted, in part, by the recent suicide of a celebrity.  A man that was know and truly adored worldwide.  

What I am sitting here trying to sort out at the moment, is what's going on in my life.  In my head and my heart.  I am trying to define some of the imagery and thoughts as they race through my head, as they always do.

First I want to say - beyond the shock and then consuming sadness - there is a very pronounced fear.  I have not read about anyone else saying this.  This whole thing scares the shit out of me.  

I can recall with great intensity the feelings of wanting to end my life many, many times.   Not all that long ago.  I can recall that it made perfect sense to me.  That no matter what the contrary reasons that I came up with - I had  an excellent and convincing counterpoint (in my head) that seemed to take over and win the debate.  I have to say that, I was in that place where it didn't seem like an option, it seemed like the only available avenue.   I knew the effects on each and every person in my life and that they would suffer - but ending the pain I was in was a trade-off I was willing to make.  With out question.  Hell, I have been hurting the people who love me my entire life - this would not be new.   

So why not?   Why didn't I do it?  Why am I still here - truth be told...  At that time, the one person who mattered at all, besides myself, had lost someone to suicide some years ago and I did not want to put her through it a second time.  I couldn't do that to her.

The point of this post is not suicide though - its fear.  Its my fear that I have been sober and healthy before.  I have gone back to loaded every time.  So there is fear of relapse.  Fear of ending up back to where dying is the best idea I have.

I am tired of fear holding on to every part of my life.  They are endless - Fear she's never really coming back, fear that I will be alone, fear that if I loved someone that much and would literally walk to the ends of the earth for them and they don't want me - no one will.  

I actually admitted out loud today to a few friends that there was a woman who I see at a meeting once a week.  She is very beautiful and very inspiring and interesting. We have sent messages but I am literally to fearful to walk up and ask her for her phone number.  I am a 38 year old weenie.

I am afraid the the cops are out of control, the government is really fucking wrecked, that people laugh at the car I drive and that I'm still too fat and hairy to run outside with my shirt off.  I am afraid that I won't run the entire 26.2.

Mostly though I am afraid of what will happen if I stop being afraid.  It takes some faith or understanding.  I believe in love.  I believe in the spirit inside of us.  The spirit or soul that tells the brain what to do.  The brain moves the muscles...but who tells the brain its time to move... your spirit.  My soul.  The life force each of us has.

What do you do when fear holds back that force.  When all it wants to do is love.  That's my true nature.  Love.  The spirit is true light and love but fear twists it and some where in between  - is me.

Love Defines

Evolution:::Wake Up

Evolution:::Wake Up

So what did I learn today?  What was the revelation while running on the beach.  What have you known this whole time that I just discovered today?

I think that somewhere along the way, both myself and a vast part of society it seems, have taken the position that "hard" is cool.  That is not cool or trendy or acceptable to acknowledge other people we encounter daily.  That to be disinterested in others somehow speaks to my self confidence or bravado or coolness or whatever.  It comes from a world based on comparison.  I am better or worse than that person because of something I observe with out even speaking to them.

So when I started to happily say hello or hi or how's it going to every person, I began to watch their faces and reactions.  What a shock.  People liked it!  They responded warmly. 

Then I started to think about how it feels to have someone acknowledge me... Basically what I have searched for my entire life.  That small, hey ... I noticed you.  Realizing I am not invisible.   Then I started to consider the impact.  Did their run improve slightly (mine did). Did they smile? (I was).  Did I impact their afternoon? (Mine changed). Does someone on vacation now think... Wow, Long Beach people are nice! (I am!).

Wow... Such a insignificant and normal thing... To acknowledge another human being.  To be nice.  I can't believe it took so long to see what it can do.  I should have known all along... Its all you have ever displayed to me... Kindness. 

Evolution::: I am a little more awake today and again... Your gifts continue to add such great beauty to my life.  What would I have done without you? 

Evolution:::My Enchanted Heart

Evolution:::My Enchanted Heart

The striking columns of beautiful amber sunlight break through the thick forest canopy.  The kaleidoscope of vibrant greens and the symphony of beautiful sounds make this place the perfect combination of Eden, a hidden utopia and a mystical forest that's most enchanted.

The spears of light that streak from the flawless cobalt blue sky bounce off the ripples of the water and the surfaces of the stones that make up this tiny's rivers edge.  

You come from a great distance but only moments away.  Your soft, delicate and beautiful bare feet move swiftly to the waters edge.  There is no sounds as if your bare feet are actually floating across the ground.

The stark but soft white of your short dress glows.  You are illuminated by a light that comes from inside of you.  The perfect angelic glow is always present - it never dims.

You move so softly and step in to the cool water.  You always know exactly where to go and with out looking, you simply kneel down to find the new resting place of your personal and hidden treasure.

You reach down and dip your fingers into the water.  The most gentle and radiant smile erupts and you laugh as your gentle touch moves the sand just enough and the bright familiar glow of your amazing secret object breaks through the rippled surface of the water.

You carefully reach in and curl your soft hands underneath its smooth surface.  You feel the long sharp edges and smooth surfaces.  You look intently in to the stone and hold it to the sky.  You close your eyes and whisper so softly, "Come back to me just once more."  As soon as you speak the words, you open your eyes again - knowing the truth - that I never left.  I never leave.

Immediately, the clouds separate, the trees somehow bend and the energy of the sun, summoned by your presence alone, streak from the sky and into the stone in your hands.

The exposed gem, absorbs and harness the elegant sunlight.  Inside, the color moves slowly and then faster and more excited by your command of the light and the sun.  The colors flash and swirls and become almost blinding with brightness.

The most beautiful display of color is now in your hands of creation.  Ruby reds, ocean blues - a non stop revolution of the rainbow continues inside of the still wet, slick stone.

The colors and light begin to push themselves from inside and millions of point of light shine from inside.  Each tiny point of light, a cell in the creation unfolding.

The rock in your hands suddenly, but as your hoped, softens.  The rhythmic beating begins.  You feel my pulse come to life.  The millions of beams of light solidify and the shape of my body begins to form around the stone.  You see me begin to take shape around my heart in your hands.  You can feel the air move with the first breath and you can barely begin to see the bright reflection of your perfect smile inside my joyous eyes.  

Suddenly, a sound.  A snap of a twig in the woods.  Your head swings in a panicked motion.  You look terrified as a intrusion into this place is immediately felt.  You search for the sound - someone is watching.  You have to run.  I too realize.  I try to say no, to protest - but it's impossible.  A return to my repeated fate.  A final troubled smile, a look to my eyes.  An unspoken goodbye.

The desire to hold on just on more second is ripped from you by the instinct to flee.  Your fear takes hold and you loosen your grip for just a moment and my heart slips from your hands.

The intensity of you, I, the energy of creation and the majesty of this place begins to dissolve.  By the time my heart reaches the rocks below it has returned to its form as a stone.  As it strikes against the rocks in the river bed it explodes and  I have completely disappeared.  

The shattering of the stone cause millions of fragments of light, color and love to rocket through our paradise and into the universe.

You pick up one tiny perfect piece of the still glowing colored glass from the water below.  You take this one tiny piece, a tiny fragment of your momentary creation, one tiny piece of pure love in the palm of your hand as you begin to run back into the forest.

Suddenly... you open your eyes.   You shake your head to try to remove off the dream.  Someone is near you.  They say your name but you can't really hear them.  Slowly, the sounds of reality begin to rush back in.  A car door slams.  A horn honks.  People talking in the distance. 

You hear your name again.  They ask if you are ok?  You force a weak smile.  Everything remains slightly muted as you return to your world.

As if it was months ago, you remember the moments of the dream you just left.

You can not speak, but you look to your hand clenched in to a tight fist.

You are squeezing so tightly you fingertips are numb, your nails blanched of color.  Your hand is shaking.  

You slowly open your hand with feelings of terrified hope mixed with delightful fear.  Your brief smile falls away and your breath is taken from your lungs as you open your hand... to find its empty.

The immediate shock to your heart is felt followed by the involuntary tightening of your throat.  The same shock travels from the lump in your throat and rushes to your understanding eyes.   

Your still staring at your empty palm.  One single tear escapes from your eye, slides slowly down your flush and warm cheek.  Your sweet tear, falls from your chin and into the palm of your open hand.  

You are warmed again inside of your chest, and for one final moment you are shown the truth.  Looking into the rainbow reflection of the single tear in your hand 
- you can witness the world of your dreams, the colors of the universe...

and the story of my enchanted heart.

EVOLUTION ::: Value

EVOLUTION ::: Value

There was some discussion and I am thinking a lot about value to day.  How to value you something with no monetary basis.  We value everything in regards of money.  "What's that house worth."  "That is an expensive car."  "That is a high end____ because it costs more than the other ones."  Money is the measure of value in our society.

There is a lot of things that have no monetary association that are hugely valuable however.  If you think of your family.  Or your health.  

Interestingly, we place high value and importance in the views of others.  Why do we do everything we do to look good.  For us, or for the ones looking at us.

Finally, the love and approval of others... I could speak volumes on each of these areas but what is really on my mind to day is the value I place in individuals I respect and love and how much happiness it brings to know that the people who I value - see my accomplishments.  

You see, lately - I have experienced such great joy in sharing my accomplishments with an individual that was the catalyst for huge changes in my life.  Again, the value she saw inside of me, even when I refused to, allowed her to convey a belief in a brighter tomorrow.  I, eventually, believed in it also.  Subsequently, her belief - based on the value she saw in me allowed me to try to do something different in my life.

Conversely - I place huge value in this person.  I want her to see and hear about my life.  It makes her happy.  Why is that important ...

Because when you cross paths with one of the best people... Someone with such great beauty, intelligence, character and such a brilliant and  colorful soul - then you realize that you want them to hold you in high regard.  If you realize you have met one of the most amazing people that you will meet in your entire life - then their opinion is of great value.

Basically - I want you to be proud of me because I value you.  I put value in your smile, your satisfaction, your opinion, your approval... There is value to me because of you.  The immense and huge value because of who you are and what you mean to me.  The value is not measurable.

Evolution ::: Returning Home

Returning Home

Things change sometimes.  They change with attention, effort, desire and willingness to have a different experience in this life.

This also change when there are strong forces and influences that affect someone's perception.  What one feels and how the world is viewed is as different and unique as the individual.  When making consistent and purposeful examination of perception - life can become very fluid.  If there were parts of your perception that have hardened in to a solid belief system and those ideas and the beliefs change -then life feels a lot different.

I have been allowed to have a opportunity to continuously question my perceptions and beliefs over the last few months.  My willingness to do just that was deeply influenced by someone who I believe cared for me in a way that truly no one else has. I am eternally grateful for the push, the unspoken encouragement and the constant idea that you were watching and hoping for the best out come.

I asked myself over and over - what is life?  What is happiness?  What is real and false?  What is important?  Who am I and what is my purpose here?  What is really inside me and what do I really want to manifest inside of my heart, mind, body and soul?  

What am I supposed to do now?  

I already knew the answer.  One simple word answers it all really.  I just kinda forgot the only way to make it true for me and the universe.  I think I am learning again how to do it correctly.

Thank you all for coming here to read about me today.  I hope to relay to you as often as possible on the evolution of my heart.  I remember now - Love Defines