Evolution ::: Fear
So here we are. Some quiet time - just me and my mind. I have not written anything in a while. I have been busy. Life is pretty good.
However -In the last day or two, a huge surge of emotion has washed over me. I am certain is was prompted, in part, by the recent suicide of a celebrity. A man that was know and truly adored worldwide.
What I am sitting here trying to sort out at the moment, is what's going on in my life. In my head and my heart. I am trying to define some of the imagery and thoughts as they race through my head, as they always do.
First I want to say - beyond the shock and then consuming sadness - there is a very pronounced fear. I have not read about anyone else saying this. This whole thing scares the shit out of me.
I can recall with great intensity the feelings of wanting to end my life many, many times. Not all that long ago. I can recall that it made perfect sense to me. That no matter what the contrary reasons that I came up with - I had an excellent and convincing counterpoint (in my head) that seemed to take over and win the debate. I have to say that, I was in that place where it didn't seem like an option, it seemed like the only available avenue. I knew the effects on each and every person in my life and that they would suffer - but ending the pain I was in was a trade-off I was willing to make. With out question. Hell, I have been hurting the people who love me my entire life - this would not be new.
So why not? Why didn't I do it? Why am I still here - truth be told... At that time, the one person who mattered at all, besides myself, had lost someone to suicide some years ago and I did not want to put her through it a second time. I couldn't do that to her.
The point of this post is not suicide though - its fear. Its my fear that I have been sober and healthy before. I have gone back to loaded every time. So there is fear of relapse. Fear of ending up back to where dying is the best idea I have.
I am tired of fear holding on to every part of my life. They are endless - Fear she's never really coming back, fear that I will be alone, fear that if I loved someone that much and would literally walk to the ends of the earth for them and they don't want me - no one will.
I actually admitted out loud today to a few friends that there was a woman who I see at a meeting once a week. She is very beautiful and very inspiring and interesting. We have sent messages but I am literally to fearful to walk up and ask her for her phone number. I am a 38 year old weenie.
I am afraid the the cops are out of control, the government is really fucking wrecked, that people laugh at the car I drive and that I'm still too fat and hairy to run outside with my shirt off. I am afraid that I won't run the entire 26.2.
Mostly though I am afraid of what will happen if I stop being afraid. It takes some faith or understanding. I believe in love. I believe in the spirit inside of us. The spirit or soul that tells the brain what to do. The brain moves the muscles...but who tells the brain its time to move... your spirit. My soul. The life force each of us has.
What do you do when fear holds back that force. When all it wants to do is love. That's my true nature. Love. The spirit is true light and love but fear twists it and some where in between - is me.
Love Defines
